Hemingway and Federal

The students file in, mostly on time. I talk with a kid about the Nuggets chances tonight against the Lakers. We both don’t know if they will be able to surmount the twin towers of Bynum and Gasol that so deftly dominated game 1. There will be a few stragglers coming in tardy. At this point of the year they know that I disapprove of the tardiness, but in May it’s difficult to be a stickler on any rules.

I walk in the classroom exactly at 1:08 with my water bottle full. “Grab a copy of Old Man and the Sea and turn to page 99″. The class quickly does so –  a feat that has taken a full school year of expectations setting and reprimands for off-task behavior. No one groans, no one begins a side-conversation, no one  is blaring Weezy through their overly expensive Beats headphones. This makes me euphoric.

I begin to read aloud the section of the book where Santiago begins sailing home after catching his Marlin. I ask a few analysis questions as I read, which the students quickly answer after a long year of prodding and modeling of analytical reading.I drop off at the line about the sharks coming and let the students read it themselves. I then read Hemingway’s masterful description of a Mako shark, with its finger like teeth in eight rows, then show them a horrific picture of the beautiful, terrifying Mako shark on the overhead projector. Some ask a few questions about the Mako shark, genuinely interested.

I then tell them to read fifteen pages, and come up a with a “stump the teacher” quiz question from their reading. Creating these questions solidifies their comprehension, but they don’t realize this, as they relish the opportunity to be smarter about the book than me in front of the whole class.

As the students begin silently reading, I come back to take attendance. The windows are open and I hear sirens and other city noises down the south Federal section of Denver that I have come to love as a home.

I begin to get overly sentimental about the neighborhood. The otherworldly authentic Vietnamese and Mexican food, the charming beaters with big rims and bigger stereos, the kids in Lincoln hoodies at the bus stops wearing Jordans, the maddening traffic that is routinely stopped by crossing pedestrians and lumbering busses and people driving 20 mph in a 45 mph zone.

This is all representative of the strong connection I have made with not just my school, but this community. A community I never would have known if my life had gone as planned and I ended up as some ad guy living in a homogenous neighborhood.

Loving is much different than liking, and there have been too many days of pain, stress, and frustration at Lincoln for me to say I like it, but I can easily say I love it.

I will head to business school next year, and I’m scared that life will become homogenous again. Rap music, Jordans,  and snapbacks have cemented themselves as important artifacts in my life of this experience. I don’t think I can ever truly explain the transformation of understanding that this experience has had for me, and sometimes J.Cole and even Waka Flocka are the only voices of understanding. I don’t know if the people I’ll interact with in the future will ever truly get that.

That is why, in the last three weeks of my life as a teacher, I am trying my hardest to love and appreciate all that is in this teeming, outwardly struggling yet inwardly amazing school. The 500 students and football players I’ve spent 100s of hours with have impacted me more than they will ever know, and I will  miss them so much.

Maybe the future will hold a return to this environment, but until then, I’m just gonna enjoy reading Hemingway with the sounds of a spring city coming through the windows.

Hard Knocks Education

One of my students recently faced a parole hearing for his incarceration sentence. After spending time with the student and asking him tough questions, I decided to write a letter on his behalf to the parole board. I had a lot of doubts about doing this, because I was nervous that the student may revert to his old ways once he got his freedom back. However, he wrote this essay about his experience, and it was all the confirmation I needed. One aspect of my job is motivating my students, but often, they end up motivating me. This is an example of that.

….

Roughly four years ago I had a hard time making the right choices for myself, which made it incredibly easy to get caught up in the wrong things. Because of the decisions I made, I ended up getting arrested and incarcerated on several occasions. The system gave me numerous chances to change my negative behaviors, but I was too irresponsible to comply with tasks of probation or take life seriously, so they decided it would be best to put me away for an extended period of time in hopes that I would rehabilitate myself. After being arrested for the sixth time, I knew exactly what to expect the next time I had to appear before the judge. I was finally committed to The Division Of Youth Corrections (DYC) for 1-2 years and sent to Rite of Passage (ROP) on April 8, 2010 where I have spent the past year. Some call it jail, others say its a waste of time, but I believe that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

ROP is unlike any other committed facility because it is dedicated to changing the lives of youth. It offers so much including, high school courses in which I earned credit for, athletics, vocational classes, treatment groups, and structure. Initially I had a hard time getting used to the program, but because I walked in with a positive attitude and a goal to get all I can out of this opportunity, I was able to successfully progress fairly quickly. Though I was able to progress quickly, there were many obstacles I had to over come in order to get where I am today. Motivation and focus are the key factors that kept me pushing every passing day.

The hardest part about being at ROP is having to swallow my pride and zip my lip every time I am confronted or disrespected by another peer. It pretty much happens on a daily basis, but I learned to ignore it by concentrating on what matters most to me, my freedom.  Also, it gets lonely sometimes because even though the place is crowded with a diverse population of people, I feel like I have nobody to run to when emotions are in a fury, nobody who would hear me out. Those who seem as though they have an ear to confide in don’t really care;they’re just curious. I decided that it is best to just stick to myself, follow all the rules including the ones I do not exactly agree with, do what I need to do,  and try to take as much as I can out of this experience in order to come back into the community as soon as possible. I have gained many new skills and a more rational perspective on life since I have been away. I finally realized that the grass is much greener on the other side, so what comes next?

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. I am going to change the channel from yesterday not to forget where I have been, but to always look forward to the future and to keep in mind the reasons I persevere. I have great potential, we all do, so with that in mind, I am going to challenge myself to reach it to the fullest. I understand that I have a lot on my plate at this point and age, but I also have a plan, a goal, and a clean slate, so I am going to keep pushing through; never being satisfied because when a man is satisfied he stops moving. It should not have taken this long or gone this far before figuring it out, but I did and now it’s very clear as to where I want to go. I am a strong supporter of the saying that everything happens for a reason, but the outcome of the inevitable is up to me to determine.

Life’s like a movie, write your own ending…..

…

After his parole hearing, his sentence was reduced from a year longer to 30 more days. I’m excited about this student being able to make his life all it could be with his newfound freedom, and I am optimistic that he will continue making the right decisions.

The Beauty of Failure

One of the most overriding themes in my two-year Teach For America experience is the essential nature of failure.

Growing up, I always thought failing was the worst possible thing that could happen. With failure comes shame, feelings of inadequacy, and a nuclear bomb to self-confidence. When I had the ball stolen from me in a basketball game, when I made a conversation with a cute girl extremely awkward, when I would hurt those I thought were closest too me, I felt like I was worthless.

This mindset instilled in me a tendency to take a cautious route rather than a risky route. While this decision enabled me to succeed on a moderate level, it prevented me from taking enough risks to achieve things that wouldn’t be possible with only caution.

When I was a senior in college, I was part of a senior project that was receiving a failing grade midway through the semester. I had never failed a class before, and here I was staring down the possibility of failing my senior capstone project. I was almost paralyzed by my fear of failing.

I distinctly remember talking to my dad on a Sunday afternoon about the project and the extreme amount of stress it was causing me. He shocked me when he said, “If you fail, it’s ok.” Everything in my body reeled at this statement. Failing was not OK! I had high standards! He had high standards for me! However, the longer I thought about it, the more I realized how empowering those words were. “If you fail, it’s ok.” If I truly worked at something and put my best effort in, it was ok to fail. With that empowerment, I was able to approach the project with a new sense of confidence, and eventually the idea that I could fail pushed me to succeed.

I’m teaching The Old Man and The Sea currently, and the story centers on a poor old man who catches the fish of his life, only to have it destroyed by sharks before he could bring it home. Despite not having anything to show for his hard work, the old man falls asleep with a sense of peace in the last page of the book.

This presents a poignant message to both my students and I. Happiness doesn’t stem from success. Instead, we can find solace in the fact that we tried our best, even if we did not succeed.

My students are terrified of failing. They are so terrified of doing something wrong, or being confused, or looking stupid, that they usually decide to forego doing any work at all. That way, they can avoid the pain that comes from being told that they didn’t get it, or the work is inadequate. One of the biggest missions in my classroom is to foster an embrace of failure, not from laziness, but from hard work and risk. When failure becomes an option, then students can take risks, learn from their mistakes, and actually learn. When failure is not an option, as every cliched movie general and coach has said, students leer away from challenges and the risk of failure.

While I try to instill this mindset into my students, I need to keep developing it in myself. One of the most beatiful parts of Old Man and The Sea is after the protagonist arrives on shore, with nothing but a carcass of the beautiful fish he caught to show for his work, he immediately begins planning for the next day, using his knowledge of his last failed adventure.

I fail a lot as a teacher. I don’t design lessons right, I have typos on quizzes, and I break promises to my students. One of the most crushing ways I fail is in relationships with my students. I don’t always have the maturity or patience I need with my students, and sometimes, when I am frustrated or disenchanted, I say things that cause a lot more harm than the intended effect of motivating my students to do better. This eats at me, and I can let it consume me when i have a failed interaction with my kids.

Like The Old Man, the most important thing I can do after failing is go back into the sea and try again; my failure giving me another modicum of wisdom for the next time.

I hope you figure out a way to embrace failure today.